Disclaimer: The following post is written from a satirical perspective for the rhetorical purpose of illustrating the foolishness behind arguments against God's sense of justice and righteous judgement. The author character of "Swindleman" the demon lawyer is completely fictitious, and was created by my imagination for the purpose of drawing readers' attention to particular Biblical texts. Thank you.
To the Unbeliever this Concerns:
I'm sure by now, considering your many miserable years on this earth, that you are aware you're going to die. Well, I've got some news for you. That day you're going to die is...let's say coming down the tracks faster than you'd like. I'm sure knowing that your entire life on this single blue marble in the vast expanse of space is coming to a complete end will meet you with some reprieve. Well, then forgive me (though I know you can't) for what I'm about to tell you. Your life is going to go on long after your death.
Let me catch you up to speed on it all: Turns out, if you believe it or not (and I know you don't) that there is a god, and not just any god. It's that one you hate hearing about more than any other. It's the God of the Christians. As it turns out, He's the only one in control of everything (Job 42:2). To my disdain, as I am sure it is to yours, He runs the show. What's worse is He's the only one running the show. There's no Brahman, Buhda, Allah or even Thor (James 2:19). And believe me when I say you'd rather have your man Zeus reigning over you, than the God who is currently in charge.
When you die, human, you will unfortunately be judged (Hebrews 9:27). And that aggrandizing self-promoting God is going to be your judge (Isaiah 33:22). He's going to knit-pick your entire life for every stupid little sinful mess-up you ever committed (Revelation 20:13), and He's going to hold all of them against you, as if they were crimes committed against the highest being in all of eternity. As far as He's concerned, unbeliever, He's already got you marked for His wrath (John 3:18). He's going to send you, the sweet hearted above average human being you are as per your standards, to hell; the bad place (Revelation 20:15). You're not that bad of a guy, now are you? But He's just a stingy God, who doesn't want to admire all your good deeds (Isaiah 64:6). He doesn't want to give you a chance at getting out of hell, other than having to go through Him (1 John 1:9).
Who does He think He is? Why do the heavens keep calling Him the righteous judge (Psalm 50:6)? Why should a God like that be your judge? I know you believe that's just not fair. Still, He is the judge, and you'd better realize you're going to need some good counsel when you're in His court. You've had your chance to get the kind of lawyer God gives to Christians (Job 16:19), but you've certainly rejected that advocate time and time again. You can't get the best lawyer, but you don't have to give up on getting your justice.
This is exactly why I am writing to you. You can consider me the second best lawyer in all of the heavenly courts. I've never missed a day in court, and I'm always there to represent my clients. The judge has always heard me out. I speak on behalf of your heart, which I believe is not as warped and beyond repair as He says it is (Jeremiah 17:9). I believe you're a good person. You believe you're a good person. I'm sure you'll want me to represent you before God. You can trust me. I am a heaven-sent for you; your guardian angel of light (2 Corinthians 11:14). You have my word, for what it's worth.
Now, before your day in court comes, let me give you some advice free of charge about a few...let's call them, claims you can make that won't hold up in court (and I for one am just tired of hearing the same old same old from my clients).
First off, I would suggest not saying that you haven't heard about God before. The stars and the skies do nothing but keep on talking about Him, and it's driving all of my kind crazy (Psalm 19:1-2). I know it's driving you crazy too.
Secondly, I beg you not to present the old, "But I don't believe in God," rambling you humans often do, unless you want to be embarrassed in the highest court in all of eternity. Nothing shuts up those people's ramblings like looking at the God who made them right in His eyes (Psalm 139:13-16). Oh, it's quite hilarious to watch, until those people became my clients. He doesn't call Himself "I AM" for nothing (Exodus 3:14), so please don't become another one trying to say, "He isn't."
Another thing you're not going to want to say to Him, and I don't want to hear it again, is that you should get into Heaven because you called yourself a Christian. I don't want to see anymore tears from people begging Him to let them into His home just because they did some nice stuff, went to church occasionally, and claimed they did it all in His name. He won't open His doors to that kind of groveling (Matthew 7:21-23). Besides if you really were a Christian, then you wouldn't be getting this letter from a demon interested in your case. You'd be reading something else; those letters from Paul (2 Timothy 2:15), and in reading you'd understand you have all the assurance you need to know you are saved (Romans 8:1).
While we're on the subject, let's not have you become another whining sinner saying you were too bad a person to be saved. My ears will burst, if I have to listen to one more weeping brat saying they were a hopeless and lost cause. Let me put a stop to that now, by saying Peter blasphemed Jesus Christ and he still was given authority to take care of God's children (John 21:15-19). If that arrogant, loud mouthed, wicked little fisherman, who three times denied God, could be restored and renewed by just the words of Jesus, then no one sinner is a hopeless cause.
If you do lose your case, and you have to get sent to hell, don't grit your teeth and start lashing out at God for His judgement over you. You think you look cool, but no one is going to want to be your friend after that (Proverbs 22:24). All an angry guy does is bring a bunch of headache on themselves, (Proverbs 29:22) and you'll already have enough of a headache from the torment you'll suffer where you're going. For my sake, just don't become another guy gritting their teeth or a sob story bawling their eyes out, while they're in hell. Everyone else in hell is already doing that, (Luke 13:28) so if you got to go, try to be original.
One last thing, don't try to give God any excuses. He just keeps saying over and over again; "I've come so now they have no excuse for their sin," (John 15:22) "My authority has been clearly seen, so everyone is without excuse," (Romans 1:20), "You have no excuse, because you passed judgement on so many people while you were alive that you are condemning yourself by your own standards," (Romans 2:1). Augh! I'm tired of hearing it. So, for me, will you please not present any excuses?
I'm sure it might seem difficult, maybe even impossible, to win your case in God's court, now that you know what you really shouldn't do. Don't lose your trust in me just yet, because I am sure that there is a chance for you; you big self-righteous sinner. I am committed to this belief, that there has to be a way to get you into heaven, without believing in salvation through Jesus. He cannot be the way, the truth and the life like He continuously says He is,(John 14:6). We can be the ones who live amongst His children, without having to go through Him (John 10:1). I hate Him, and you hate Him, (John 15:18) so we've got to find a way to the good place around Him. Of course, He'll just keep on saying that only those who believe in Him get to be His children and have a seat at His house (John 1:12).
It's because of my beliefs, as well as yours, unbeliever, that I have dedicated my eternity before my own judgement (Revelation 20:10) to ensuring that you receive your self-proclaimed just reward, anything but eternal conscious torment (Mark 9:48). You owe it to yourself to get the justice you deserve.
Yours flamingly,
Swindleman
Here's my card. Look me up, and see my credentials.
Sources
- The Bible (New International Version)
- Knowing Jesus: God is Judge
- John Macarthur: People in hell never repent
- Open Bible Info: Demons
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